Bananation: Expectations Fuel Disappointment

Think about the last time you were disappointed.

Was it because you did not get promoted? The painting you wished to buy had been sold, or just that it was raining when you wanted to go out for a picnic? Whatever the occasion is, I suggest that the disappointment was caused because you had an unfulfilled expectation. From the above examples, your expectations may have been: I am the best person for the job; that painting was meant for me; I want fine weather when I picnic.

I believe this an important concept for us to understand. Once we understand it and manage our expectations, day to day living will be less stressful. We can channel the otherwise energy wasted on stress into more productive activities. But is it so simple?

We are more resilient it seems when we have expectations about things which we have little or no control over. So we soon recover from the rainy day. We may complain about the rain but we move on and do something else. As a result, we enjoy a new experience such as a picnic in the rain but protected by umbrellas. I am sure you can think of many situations where you were disappointed for a short while but they soon passed and you moved on to something different. Can you, however, think of two similar events where at one time your disappointment passed quickly yet on the other it did not? Why is this so?

I don’t think there is a simple answer to this. Our mood, the situation details, the people involved, the strength of our expectation and many other external factors could influence any particular situation. For example, I was to take a loved one on the picnic as they never get out of their home but couldn’t because of the rain. Emotionally for me and my loved one, this is important and hence my disappointment is high. This could be impacted by a feeling that I let the other person down.

I think the biggest disappointment arises when it involves us individually. Not getting a promotion when you are convinced that you deserve it often takes a long time to get over. I know people who carry this scar for years and it impedes their quest for a fulfilling and enjoyable life. Some reasons for this maybe we have looked at others and made comparisons, or we may look at our contribution to the sections success, or we may believe that we are a potential leader, or perhaps we have been thinking about it so much we convince ourselves our blemishes are minor and our strengths are overwhelming. Why is this disappointment so big?

I think it is our natural bias that fuels an unrealistic expectation. When we compare our performance to that of others, we are doing so knowing all the details of what we have done and weighting these favorably to fuel our expectation. On the other hand, we do not know all the details of what the other person has done and we may undervalue some aspects of their work or contribution. We may also unfavorably weight their performance characteristics. The more we think - utilizing this approach - the stronger our expectation of promotion grows and the greater the disappointment if it is not realized. Expectations can be reasonable, achievable and logical but may not be met due to other factors out of your control. They also maybe unreasonable, unachievable and illogical and are destroyed by factors totally in your control. So what can you do to limit the disappointment caused by not meeting your expectations?

I think you must understand that you can have dreams and targets and these, in themselves, do not fuel expectations. It is the inflexible, over optimistic and often poorly founded actions and plans to achieve your dreams that cause the disappointment. Remember, there are many ways to achieve our dreams. The path is neither clear nor will it remain fixed for any length of time. We must always look at alternative pathways and choose one of these at a point in time. But we have to understand that this will change. We are faced with continuous changes in all aspects of our daily life, so why should we think that the pathway we choose today to achieve our goals will not need to be adjusted or even abandoned tomorrow? Ho-hum you say. Well try managing expectations by having a focus on our dream, our goals and looking at the many ways we can achieve them. There are options and they are changing, and every door that closes on your journey opens up many more. Our challenge is to look for these opportunities and to be able to adjust to take advantage of them.

I am not saying to stop planning the steps you need to take to achieve your goal but think broadly about what you are trying to achieve with each step, and what options you have if things change. I believe by doing this, the rigidity in our plans is loosened and our ability to adapt to the changing circumstances is increased. If we do this and what we had thought might happen on the course we have chosen does not eventuate, we don’t feel disappointment, failure, disaster but instead look at what are the other ways to continue going towards our goal. Having an expectation only means that we will be challenged in the achievement of our goals, and that we are ready to adjust with the confidence that we will still achieve our goals.

Contributed by maipenrai, Sydney