I've come to the realistation that a woman isn't complete unless she has a partner. So said Sumiko Tan in her Sunday column "A Woman needs a Man" (ST, 9 Sep 07). With a headline like that, It beats me how many single women have protested to the Straits Times.
I enjoy her writings. Being 43 and single, she becomes an empty vessal at times and hence can't stop whining - the writer's PMS I call it. I can empathise with her plight because I am 34 and technically single here. I whined too in my blog. I applaud her bravey in attesting the wholeness of womanhood can only exist if she has a man in her life. I second her ideology. If you don't know me, you would probably deduce that I'm a woman. The air is clear now, except that I am a gay man. To sing her tune, I decided to plagiarise her story. I never thought I'd say this, but here goes: A gay man needs a man to be complete (this sentence is originally from her column; I just replace 'a woman' with 'a gay man').
Try telling me that before I hit the big 30. My attitude would be non-hastening. I was unrealistic in my quest for a soul mate. I believe that fate would bring Mr Right to my door. Can you believe that my straight friends tried to cajole me into visiting gay pubs? They were against the idea of me doing nothing and wishfully thinking that I would bump into Mr Right on the streets or in the subways. When my biological clock ticked-tocked by the years, I realised that the Hollywood version of One Fine Day hardly happened in reality. I didn't get to meet George Clooney. Michelle Pieffer, that lucky bitch!
So I moved my ass. But I did not visit any gay pubs because I don't see how I could find my soul mate in a den of one night standers (Ok, I invented that word). I traveled to the cyberspace and took a tour of the myriad of gay match-making sites. Since then, I met a lot of gay men but was dumped in the most absurb manner. A series of misfortunate events turned me into anti-relationship. I retreated to my cocoon and fucked all the lovey-dovey things out of my life. I was self-sufficient and don't need a man to make my life enjoyable. After a year, I was proven wrong. I got a mail - not from Tom Hank - but from a 46-year old American. If I were to express the way I felt with him, I would sing him the song 'You Raised me Up' (sans the spiritual connotation). He is the oldest man I have dated so far and the longest relationship I ever have.
If you recall earlier on I wrote that I am technically single here, I meant I am attached but my boyfriend isn't with me. He hasn't been with me since the start of our relationship 3 years ago. To meet one another, we have to take an 18-hour flight between Singapore and the U.S. Friends have been asking why the hell we are still not living together? It is a question that I asked myself. The question mark becomes bigger as I see all the local women and gay men with their white partners. I feel envious, uncertain and sad. I brought up the issue of relocating in our first year but he said he wanted to take it slow. And it has been really slow. He changed his job this year and I feel that the more I should be more understanding.
Surely, Sumiko was not talking about my kind of relationship. To many, a couple who sees each other less than 3 times a year is not a relationship and even if it is, it ain't healthy. That was exactly what my friends commented. I, however, think otherwise. Except the distance, I see my relationship the same as others: we communicate, we sent presents on birthdays, Valentine's Day and Christmas, we visit each other and we travel to other destinations for holidays. Most importantly, we don't cheat. All my friends questioned me how could I be so sure if he is not fooling around - he is afterall in the U.S. The beauty of our long distance relationship had taught me how to trust and have faith in a boyfriend, and therefore, doubts never cross my mind. The thought of someone so far away is thinking of me warms my heart. You can call me nuts and I don't blame you. Nobody thinks like me. I suppose you could wonder If I'm desperate for a relationship since I am willing to endure the pain of separation for 3 years. Why have a boyfriend thousands of miles away and there is no companionship and fulfilment to talk about (not dimssing physical intimacy). Can't I stop harping on relationship and thinking that men are the Oxygen that keeps me alive? The singletons can argue that without a boyfriend, we can still get enjoy life with friends but surely we know that the kind of love we experience with the latter is different. The amount of communications and the kind of things we do with our boyfriend is what the limitation of friendship cannot offer. Such attention and devotion can never be received from your soccer kakis, party animal friends or even your pet. And when it comes to getting a gift for that special guy, you will know whether he is more than a laughter and a martini at the bar. Ok, how about family? Like Sumiko wrote:
commanding the time and attention of someone from the opposite sex whom you
fancy and who fancies you. After all, humans are hardwired to mate"
If you rather find solace in singlehood, you have probably never fallen in love before or got dumped as frequently as we piss.
Recently, my relationship has been on the brim of death. There isn't any quarrel. If women have intuition, men have it too. Somehow, I feel that I could have lost my boyfriend. I have never stopped loving him but again, if there was once a right time that we met, then perhaps, there will be a right time to part our ways too. Even if this relationship breaks, I will not stop finding another man to fall in love with again. Every man is a different story and its outcome will be different too. To resign my life to whining in the cyberspace, I rather fall, pick it up from there and move on no matter how many times it will take me.
There will be a man who will watch the sunset with me as I grow old. And yes, I need a man in my life. Oh, and who said Michelle Pieffer is the only lucky bitch to have met George Clooney.
George Clooney and I in London, 2004
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